if you want to say hello (or something less pleasant) get thee to the messageboard.

i find crying at movies to be cathartic.

years ago, a friend gave me a rock with a piece of string wound around it. i've carried around ever since. it sits on my desk at work.

this morning, i wondered if having it reduces my ambition.

they use humans like chess pieces in a game where they haven't planned a single move ahead.

i sometimes wonder if Heinlein was right. at least then i could feel better about sacrificed pawns.

it's been a really stupid day.

sometimes i think friendships are more about the bad times than the good times. it's not about who you like to have a beer with, it's about who you call when your cat dies. (hopefully it's the same person, ne? ) i like to bear weight and know that some day i'll be able to lean on that person in return. acts of service - including quiet listening, hugs, and tissues - are a big way that i express affection. i enjoy the attention that is spent on me in confidences, and i do my best to honor it.

not every person in your life is like that. not every friendship goes there. that's okay. but don't assume that letting me know you're having a bad day is going to ruin mine.

(and it's not really about you, dear, but you do have me thinking about this...)

mischief managed!

reading about grubb_street's voyage home reminded me of the last time we came home to snow (less than this) and a ride who abandoned us at the airport. hard to believe that it took me a few years to wake up.

fun. short. extremely rare and probably illegal.

handmade gifts have a certain magic in them. when you make something for someone, you are not only giving them the object, but a number of hours of your life. i have many things my mother has made for me, and i can't get rid of them because i feel the power in them. i've come to think carefully about who can have a piece of me and how. i'm suspicious of people who ask for handmade gifts; it's like asking for a bit of soul. i can't ask the many artists i know to create for me unless they ask, as if the very expression of my desire corrupts the work. i suppose it means that i don't always get what i want. perhaps it's just as well.

my schedule is finally starting to open up again, so of course i want to fill it with the craftiness. mostly it's my desire to fight entropy any way i can. i was supposed to post pictures of quilting some time ago...this is the table square i did for my mom. that's not the pattern i intended to use (mistakes were made) but the substitute i made was good practice for the basic block to make the project mentioned here. it's the one on the book cover. i've been picking it up and putting it down for six months now, but the plan is to finish it and (assuming they'll take it) donate it to the SFWA emergency fund.

i finally bought and read all of Blankets last weekend. it's achingly beautiful in places, and Thompson is my age and from a somewhat similar background. his discovery that people like him are popular at his girlfriend's school was particularly poignant to me.

someone mentioned yesterday that i hadn't been posting lately, and i realized that i've been a little quiet. there are big thoughts smashing around my head, and no good place to put them.

i've got too much information in my head this week about humans using other humans. it's something i abhor. i respect that it's a part of daily life, but i like to think that when i get something from someone else i am offering something of value in return. it's hard for me to live in a world where business is tangled with personal in order to serve the business. or perhaps i don't care so much about the manipulation if there's a consistent standard set.

so, since there's a few unrelated things going on here, i can just say that i hate it when people are completely self-serving and mean. it doesn't matter if i know the victim well or not.

i also have no comfort in the knowledge that i am right or have the moral high ground if it means pain for someone else.

i spent brunch this morning asking C to give me some happy examples of human nature. he didn't do too well. but as i think about it, last night was a grand example of goodness, where a whole lot of people got together and did something nice for scarlettina as she starts her hundred days. lots of people were there, and it was written up all over; i can't do it justice here. the thing is that we got together and did something a little absurd (each guest donated a nonperishable food item or other useful treat) to diffuse the dread associated with unemployment. perhaps we all could use a little more of that spirit in our lives. there was a little love with every can of cranberry sauce, bag of cat treats, and postage stamp. that's the kind of truth i want right now.

the rain, the rain, the rain. i didn't understand just how much i missed it. i love the sound and the smell and the bite in the air, the way it shakes the leaves and redraws swirls of sediment on the way to a drain and patters on my face and slowly soaks my hair.

i feel incredible, past the point where i have the power to describe it. yesterday and today (so far) i'm wide awake early without extra sleep, i'm energetic without being interested in food. like i have enough extra to blow a transformer or destroy my enemies with my mind.

i went on a walk in the rain yesterday afternoon and played in the fountains outside the opera house. it's the world's largest, cleanest mudpuddle. i'm willing to give up the sensation of mud between my toes in exchange for a reflective wall that lets me watch the arc of the drops following a sweeping kick across my body.

it's cool enough that i need to be wrapped in my big robe and i'm thinking thoughts of making tea, among other things.

Friday five

1. What food do you like that most people hate?
scrapple, especially when they know what's in it

2. What food do you hate that most people love?
fresh tomatoes

3. What famous person, whom many people may find attractive, is most unappealing to you?
Gwyneth Paltrow

4. What famous person, whom many people may find unappealing, do you find
attractive?
Harvey Keitel

5. What popular trend baffles you? ultra low rise jeans

BTW, C got home safe, but thanks.